Step 1: Undercoat. Become the white cube. Channel Marcel Marceau, butoh (the Japanese “dance of darkness”) and Tom Friedman. I favour a Snazaroo white base, a staple of the school fête and Cindy Sherman clowns alike, and ever so easy on the skin. For a smooth paste, I recommend mixing with the tears of a love rival… but complimentary fizz works just as well. © Paul Kindersley

Step 2: Statement brows. It is of the utmost importance that even if you don’t comprehend what you’re looking at, your brows are in a constant state of contemplation and quizzical interest that says, “I understand” (and more importantly, “I have the cash to follow through”). Here I have chosen a © Paul Kindersley in Mars Black; it is a universally adored paint and very durable—every artist’s secret weapon. Remember that brows are the last remaining vestiges of our ape ancestors’ non-verbal communication methods, so do go large, and if you happen to have two, get them to express different emotions, as I have here. © Paul Kindersley

Step 3: A sensual lip, of course. Think of a plump Mae West sofa. Ease off that ubiquitous polished concrete hard edge and remind everyone that a Freudian oral fixation underpins every work of art and transaction at the fair. I’ve gone for a pricey, but well worth the investment, YSL Rouge undercoat and Tesco Everyday Value Tomato Ketchup lip line, à la Paul McCarthy. Think of your visage as an institutional group show, incomplete without a nod to messy performance. © Paul Kindersley

Step 4: The plinth is a so-often-overlooked part of the sculpture… So go for a bold neck, straight from the tube. Give them a reference they can handle. Go gestural! An Abstract Expressionist décolletage is very in this season. Accentuate your best bits in acrylic—for me, that’s my ears and Adam’s apple, but feel free to experiment. (And remember, the makeup doesn’t end with the face—a well-placed neon nipple can do wonders for one’s street cred.) I have used a Joan Mitchell palette of Liquitex in cadmium yellow medium hue, phthalocyanine blue (green shade) and dioxazine purple. (#Top tip: If it is your first time going for a hand-painted neck, maybe start with a Pollock-inspired look and work up to a Mitchell.) © Paul Kindersley

Step 5: Next, cover yourself in gold! As we all know, from an 18-carat toilet for Donald Trump to a Rococo frame in Frieze Masters, if it glitters, it’s worth more. Contouring à la the Kardashian clan is still in, and so I’ve highlighted my cheeks and eyelids in a nod to the 70s, Studio 54 and, of course, the hallowed golden arches of McDonald’s… Consumerism rules, kids, and this look is as good as a coffee-table book for your personal brand. One can never have enough gold, and I advise piling it on until one resembles something akin to Cellini’s Salt Cellar. © Paul Kindersley

Step 6: To quote Annie, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” Well f**k that, it’s 2018, and a headpiece is a great alternative to a personality. Like the full stop at the end of your #artthinkpieceblog, it finishes things off properly and with decorum. From Velázquez to Sarah Lucas, everyone loves a fried egg (organic, of course, from Vauxhall City Farm, an integral point on the new London gallery route, between Gasworks and Cabinet), and with a busy day of art ahead it’s very important to carry a snack. • Paul Kindersley’s work is in the group show DRAG: Self-Portraits and Body Politics at the Hayward Gallery, London (until 14 October) © Paul Kindersley

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Paul Kindersley © Paul Kindersley

Paul Kindersley © Paul Kindersley